The point of this blog is for me to talk about the significant part of my life that I have kept bottled up so that's exactly what I am going to try and do. I also want to communicate and receive feedback from others, especially those in similar positions. Alright lets get started. So as I write this I'm sitting in my dorm. It's a Friday night here and I'm not out partying like usual. After 7 years of intense binge drinking pretty much every weekend I have decided to limit my self to once a week if that. I'm trying to be a little bit healthier so I can achieve new goals in the gym. I guess you could say that drinking and going to the gym are my two methods of coping. When I'm partying I'm the guy that everyone loves who keeps the party going. I drink way more than a guy my size probably should. That being said I have never fully disgraced myself and I do keep it under control. When I'm partying my head gets a break from thinking and for a few hours I feel like I finally belong some where. The gym is great for me as it keeps me busy and distracted and not stressing about life. I'm by far the most laid back guy I know. I love life and don't stress about the little things in life. I do however stress when I start thinking about my life. You see I'm not happy with where I'm at right now. (I doubt many people are but still.) As I sit in my dorm turning down invitations to go party I ask myself the same question that I have been asking myself for the past 5 years: Why aren't I out there getting what I want? Which is usually followed by: What do I really want? Who the hell knows, but one thing I know I want for sure is to be with a guy. I have experienced a little in this area with one guy I met a few years ago but not a lot happened and we mainly just became distant friends. After that I entered into a forced relationship with my girlfriend. This girl really does mean the world to me. I have known her for a large piece of my life in which we were great friends. She had always hinted how much she liked me but I never acted on it because all I wanted was her friendship. So for years we watched as each other saw other people. Meanwhile family and friends were constantly putting the pressure on to date each other. Which makes sense, how many straight guys spend a majority of their time with a girl and only want friendship? Most people would say either he's gay or he wants her. Her boyfriends definitely felt threatened by me. Anyway, it came to the point where she was putting the pressure on bad. I was basically cornered and faced with a difficult decision. Either I tell her the truth or I become her boyfriend. We have been dating for a few years now and its great. I mean she is great. She is in my eyes the perfect person. Sexy, funny, smart, down to earth, adventurous, amazing in bed and the list goes on. She isn't like any other girl I have been with. The problem for me is when we are not having sex I am thinking of guys. I love her but only as much as I can love a girl. She deserves better and I deserve to be honest with myself. I feel like I have dug myself into a whole which is almost impossible to get out of. If anyone is reading this I'm sorry if its boring so far but I got to get the background information out there so bare with me. Anyway I think of myself as being bi but I have really only experienced the one side so its impossible to know for sure. Me and my girlfriend are currently doing the long distance thing because of school. If your wondering why I'm still in a relationship with her since I'm clearly into guys then the answer is quite simple. I'm not using her in way, especially not for "cover". I just care about her to the point where I will do anything to keep her in my life. I have definitely devoted myself to her in every way possible. So our relationship is very much a true relationship and I am attracted to her, until I see a guy with his shirt off..
Alright so i'm a good looking guy in college surrounded by horny people and yet I still have yet to really be with a guy. It sucks that I am such an honest person right now. I mean I'm in my sexual golden years and I'm not using them to thier full potential. Im extremely loyal and honest so I would never cheat on anyone that i'm in a relationship with. In order to satisfy my young hormonal needs I have relied upon alot of fantasizing and alot of jerking off. Thats enough for now I need some sleep. I'm new to this blogging thing so cut me some slack and hang around for a while.
At some point — maybe not immediately, but eventually — you'll have to decide if you can marry her, if you'd be able to be in a permanent relationship with her. When you decide that, if the answer is, "No," then you owe it to her to break up with her. Otherwise, you'd be stringing her along.
SvarSlettThere are blogs by people who married in their youth and in middle age they realize that they are gay, and they are not sure they can keep their marriage going — the desire for men is so strong.
Maybe you are in a better position, because you realize your attraction, so you can decide to refrain from acting on your attraction to men before making a formal commitment to her. That may make it easier. When I realized I was homosexual — also in high school — I decided that I would not have sex with men, and it makes it easier, I think, than if I hadn't made that decision.
Anyway, at some point you will need to figure out what you can commit to, and you have to be honest with her.