No Escape From Reality

First off I want to thank the gent who was the first to write a comment on one of my blogs.  Thanks for the advice and I hope the comments keep comming because it makes this all worth while.  Instead of studying I have been spending alot of my time contemplating the future.  As I am nearing the completion of my first degree, I can't decide what my next move should be.  Do I keep studying and get another degree?  Do I get a masters?  Or do I jump right into a career?  So that BS has been keeping me busy for a while.  As for getting some action?  I am still reliant upon my hand.  Sometimes to pass time I browse through personal adds just to see whats all out there.  I don't act on them, instead I use them to see if maybe there was a guy that I would honestly be interested in.  Unfortunately, the type of guys that I find attractive are never gay.  Atleast not openly.  I have a few gay friends so I have met quite a few gay people through them.  Even though many were attractive, it seems that as soon as I find out someone is openly gay, I am instantly not attracted to them.  This is probably just becuase I am in the closet and don't want to be associated with any stereotype.  The above pic is of professional Rugby player Daniel Conn.  This guy reminds me alot of Steve (the guy I mentioned it my previous post).  A game I often play in my head is: Is that guy gay or straight?  Obviously there isn't anyway of knowing if a person is gay or straight, but sometimes by the way a person acts you can have your suspicions.  One thing that I have noticed is that gay people (regardless if they are open or not) generally seem to be nicer than usual?  I think this has something to do with the fact that gay people are gifted with an open mind and can be much more emotional due to the struggle with their sexuality.  I know this is true in my case.  Every person, expecially the girls that I have met, all label me as the "nice guy" or "sweetheart".  And all of my friends would refer to me as the "ladies man".  I always thought that was rather ironic.      

In the spirit of the holiday

Alright its Valentines Day and for the 21st time I still havent found any joy in the holiday.  I'm not a depressive person but today wasn't the best day.  I was once again reminded of how I have never been in love.  It seems crazy when I think of it but I honestly have no clue what it feels like to be in love.  I have already mentioned that I love the girl im dating very much but its not real love.  Its more like unconditional love on steroids.  I know this because so often I miss all the small things, all the little hints that she throws at me.  I would say the closest I have ever been to being in love would be a crush I had on a guy since the first year of highschool.  Even though I haven't seen the guy in a few years I would say I still have a thing for him haha.  (I occasionally still stock his facebook profile)  I have had many crushes on both girls and guys but this was definetley the biggest.  Lets call him Steve.  Steve was one of the most popular kids at school.  A little taller than me, naturally tanned skin, muscular build, dark hair, amazing face, and eyes that make you melt.  He is extremely masculine yet cute.  He's a very outgoing guy who is always the center of attention, very funny also.  The thing that probably got me the most about him was how nice and genuine he was.  Charming to the point where he could probably get away with murder.  Now in highschool I wasn't in the popular click you could say.  I had a great circle of friends and I was defenitely friends with all the popular kids as I played sports with many of them.  The problem is that Im a shy guy until I get to know the people around me and I felt very uncomfortable around the popular kids so I kept my distance.  I still would party with them time to time but would never call one of them up sort of thing.  Anyway, I developed a thing for this guy almost instantly.  I would always catch myself eyeing him up fortunately for me our last names were very similar so whenever seating was arranged alphabetically I would be close to him.  Even though he was a popular kid he still made an effort to interact with me.  Whether it was in the library, classroom or hallway, he would usually say something to me.  I never had the guts to ever start a conversation with him so I would always hope that he would initiate it.  We had a chemistry class togeher and he even asked to be my partner.  I was in heaven, too bad we never had gym together.  I remember one time I went to a party and when he saw me he instantly called me over (we rarely were at the same parties) and acted all excited to see me.  I couldn't believe it, he even wrapped one of his arms around my neck and said "Hey man I can't believe your here! (in an excited tone) Let me grab you a beer! No wait, here just take mine!" And he gave me his beer that he had already started drinking out of.  I have never been so quick to take a swig from a beer bottle.  As lame as that sounds, that was the hottest thing that had happened to me.  He then left to go get another beer and I fell back into reality.  This went on throughout highschool and in our senior year, he even invited me to his graduation pool party (and by invite, I mean pressured me into saying yes).  I chickened out and never ended up going anyway.  Definetely a huge regret.  We have different lives now with different friends so we don't get to cross paths anymore.  I have seen him a few times since and although I was too scared to talk to him and expected him to just ignore me he never did.  I always thought of him as being straight but the more I think about it the more I wonder about the chances of him being just like me?  

Frustrations of the closet

The point of this blog is for me to talk about the significant part of my life that I have kept bottled up so that's exactly what I am going to try and do.  I also want to communicate and receive feedback from others, especially those in similar positions.  Alright lets get started.  So as I write this I'm sitting in my dorm.  It's a Friday night here and I'm not out partying like usual.  After 7 years of intense binge drinking pretty much every weekend I have decided to limit my self to once a week if that.  I'm trying to be a little bit healthier so I can achieve new goals in the gym.  I guess you could say that drinking and going to the gym are my two methods of coping.  When I'm partying I'm the guy that everyone loves who keeps the party going.  I drink way more than a guy my size probably should.  That being said I have never fully disgraced myself and I do keep it under control.  When I'm partying my head gets a break from thinking and for a few hours I feel like I finally belong some where.  The gym is great for me as it keeps me busy and distracted and not stressing about life.  I'm by far the most laid back guy I know.  I love life and don't stress about the little things in life.  I do however stress when I start thinking about my life.  You see I'm not happy with where I'm at right now.  (I doubt many people are but still.)  As I sit in my dorm turning down invitations to go party I ask myself the same question that I have been asking myself for the past 5 years: Why aren't I out there getting what I want?  Which is usually followed by: What do I really want?  Who the hell knows, but one thing I know I want for sure is to be with a guy.  I have experienced a little in this area with one guy I met a few years ago but not a lot happened and we mainly just became distant friends.  After that I entered into a forced relationship with my girlfriend.  This girl really does mean the world to me.  I have known her for a large piece of my life in which we were great friends.  She had always hinted how much she liked me but I never acted on it because all I wanted was her friendship.  So for years we watched as each other saw other people.  Meanwhile family and friends were constantly putting the pressure on to date each other.  Which makes sense, how many straight guys spend a majority of their time with a girl and only want friendship?  Most people would say either he's gay or he wants her.  Her boyfriends definitely felt threatened by me.  Anyway, it came to the point where she was putting the pressure on bad.  I was basically cornered and faced with a difficult decision.  Either I tell her the truth or I become her boyfriend.  We have been dating for a few years now and its great.  I mean she is great.  She is in my eyes the perfect person.  Sexy, funny, smart, down to earth, adventurous, amazing in bed and the list goes on.  She isn't like any other girl I have been with.  The problem for me is when we are not having sex I am thinking of guys.  I love her but only as much as I can love a girl.  She deserves better and I deserve to be honest with myself.  I feel like I have dug myself into a whole which is almost impossible to get out of.  If anyone is reading this I'm sorry if its boring so far but I got to get the background information out there so bare with me.  Anyway I think of myself as being bi but I have really only experienced the one side so its impossible to know for sure.  Me and my girlfriend are currently doing the long distance thing because of school.  If your wondering why I'm still in a relationship with her since I'm clearly into guys then the answer is quite simple.  I'm not using her in way, especially not for "cover".  I just care about her to the point where I will do anything to keep her in my life.  I have definitely devoted myself to her in every way possible.  So our relationship is very much a true relationship and I am attracted to her, until I see a guy with his shirt off..
Alright so i'm a good looking guy in college surrounded by horny people and yet I still have yet to really be with a guy.  It sucks that I am such an honest person right now.  I mean I'm in my sexual golden years and I'm not using them to thier full potential.  Im extremely loyal and honest so I would never cheat on anyone that i'm in a relationship with.  In order to satisfy my young hormonal needs I have relied upon alot of fantasizing and alot of jerking off.  Thats enough for now I need some sleep.  I'm new to this blogging thing so cut me some slack and hang around for a while.    

Here Goes Nothing

I will start this off by getting right down to business.  I'm just a 21 year old guy in the middle of his college life.  I never thought I would ever catch myself writing a blog.  I recently stumbled across a few others and what can I say, I was inspired.  And by stumbled, I really mean I was trying to find other guys in my situation.  I'm hoping that this will allow me to connect with some other like minded individuals.  Now, about "my situation".  I would like to say that I am just an average guy but I don't feel I fit that category.  I come from a loving family with a strong network of friends.  I have always been involved in a variety of sports and continue to pursue an active lifestyle.  By societies standards I'm considered to be very good looking and I have a gorgeous girlfriend.  She is the world to me and is the complete package.  As good as my seemingly average life sounds, there is also this other thing I should mention in my introduction.  I'm gay.  Those two simple word's have been burning in me since I started High School.  In my eyes, those two words have the potential to tear my life apart.  I have tried to deny this fact for years except I would always be reminded whenever I was in the locker room checking out my teammates, or whenever I'm horny.  Which is pretty much all the time hah.  One thing that I want to point out and make clear is that I am not writing for sympathy or as an aspiring author.  I'm writing this to share a part of my life that I have been closetting for a long ass time and hopefully make some new friends in the process.  So if anyone ends up reading this, I hope you enjoy the tales of my sexually frustrated life.